I’ve realized lately that most of my anxiety comes from internal insecurities more so than my actual surroundings. It’s easy to think because you are alone, in an unfamiliar place, and away from friends and family is the cause of you to panic or have anxiety. But I found this to be untrue. I’m very comfortable traveling, having no service, and being disconnected for a while. What I’m not comfortable with is myself and my own company.
It’s funny because at least in my life, social media puts the impression out there that all travelers are content with themselves. They’re confident, strong, don’t mind being alone, and can still enjoy everyday even if no ones around to experience it with them. I’d really love to see a documentary about the internal struggles instead. Like what really lies beneath the surface. How they handle challenges and dangerous situations by them selves, over coming self doubt, or even when they don’t see a single soul for days or weeks. First question, do you like yourself? Do you trust yourself? Do you have fear? Do you feel lonely? Do you go to bed crying some days? How do you adjust to the new reality you’re living? I’ve always had a traveling spirit. I’m always moving around and looking for the next adventure, but I’m not confident with myself for long periods of time. At least yet.
I would love to feel confident, kick some ass, and take on any challenge with the grace. But my insecurities have been around for as long as I can remember. I have separation anxiety, social anxiety and very low self esteem. It almost feels like I’m the worst partner I could have because I can’t always depend on me to be strong and stable. If that makes any sense.
This trip has brought me to a deeper place but I don’t have answers yet. Hopefully in the future I can look back at the beginning and recognize the struggle, but also the strength and reassurance in myself it brought to my soul.