To all my friends and followers with depression and panic attacks:
When I was younger I wanted to make sure no one could tell I was upset or having a panic attack. No matter where I was or who I was around. It was so important to me that I handle my depression in private. So I would wait and wait, and wait, till I had some time alone and could breakdown without being judged. Isn’t that how its supposed to be? Now, as I’ve gotten older I feel like my symptoms have either gotten stronger or I’ve gotten weaker. When my depression has me feeling low for weeks and my panic attacks start to kick in more frequently, its like all those rules I had for myself aren’t relevant anymore. I obviously haven’t lost full control, or else I don’t think I’d be able to write this and analyze what’s going on. But sometimes it gets to a point that I’m taking my panic attacks out on loved ones or having meltdowns at work, and I don’t always know how to stop it anymore. In a way I feel like it has to deal with self discipline or self control which I guess I’ve lost somewhere.
In sessions we’ve talked about cognitive behavioral therapy and it’s helped me mostly, but not when I’m in the moment of panic. I can repeat over and over again what my brain needs to hear or think, but it still doesn’t change the way I feel. The other day I had a 6 hour panic attack…over. absolutely. nothing. Six hours of paranoia, trouble breathing, forming words, and thoughts of death, pain, guilt, and blame. Every time I talked it sounded like I was mad or yelling because I couldn’t control the tones of my voice. Having a boyfriend who also has anxiety doesn’t mix well when you both are confused as to why the others upset when theirs nothing to be upset about. I would just like to get back to where I was when I was young and had more control. It will take time, but in a few weeks my depression could be gone and I wont see a panic attack for months. So it slips my mind to keep practicing that form of emotional control.
Can anyone else relate? Or have suggestions how to manage it?
We haven’t seen the sun in a while up here in Michigan which I know is effecting it. Trying to stay positive and create my own sunshine. On another note, 3 months till take off. 🙂 I’ve had a lot of good things in the works. Today I also take my first kick boxing class. Something new!