-Originally written 7/7/2016-
Now that I’ve finally got some time off work and can clear my head, I’ve had some time to reflect on my life in the last few years. We’re currently driving to Blissfest in northern Michigan and I realized this year I wasn’t driving all the way from Pennsylvania compared to last year.
About four years ago is when I decided to take my first solo road trip, which landed me in Michigan for the first time. The people I met and experiences I had made a big impression on me which kept me coming back every year until I eventually moved here. Even though I hate how flat it is, that sentimental value keeps it meaningful to me, along with its beauty while I stay here planning my next move.
Brings me to a time back then when I thought none of this would happen.
I remember when I thought I’d never be a climber
when i couldn’t afford the gear
when taking a road trip was financially impossible
when traveling with a dog seemed impossible
when just owning a dog wasn’t realistic
when I thought I’d never be able to move out of state
when I really had no clue what was going on
or when I thought I was stuck and wouldn’t make it.
But here I am with a lot of determination and help from friends and family, I’ve accomplished everything I’ve said I would so far.Which is kind of astounding when you sit back and think about it. To actually have and continue to be fulfilling my dreams.
I often get lost in the daily stress and anxiety of life everyday. I get so frustrated with life and setbacks, sometimes making me forget the whole reason I’m here and what my purpose it. And then I finally get a breather and remember everything I’ve done and I’m about to do.
A few days after this I had a severe breakdown, on the borderline of psychosis which was a little scary for me. It happened while I was at work and with no way to leave, no doctors around, it made it very hard for me to continue going. I was able to wait out the night and get a hold of my doctors the next day. I immediately asked to be put back on my antidepressants (Prozac) to avoid it from getting worse. I’ve realized a pattern every year around July (which happens to be the busiest and most stressful month) my depression worsens. And if I don’t take care of it properly right away it leads to some pretty scary situations. This was the main reason I didn’t hesitate to call my doctor, as you never really should.
There have been some reports on Prozac with bipolar patients. Some say it’s okay, others have a strong opinion that it’s not a good idea. I’m not on a mood stabilizer; therefore being on just an antidepressant could send me so high up that it triggers a manic phase. For some reason, this doesn’t happen to me, or it just hasn’t yet. I’m on such a low dose that personally I don’t think that would happen, but it’s something I have to watch out for. It’s been about 2 weeks since I started Prozac again. I’m still in the “it gets worse before it gets better stage”. I’m finally starting to feel it working, but that’s after I had already landed myself in an almost, bed ridden depressive state for a few days. Not having motivation for anything, sleeping all day and over eating. (yay) I also have been so busy (remember its July) that I haven’t been able to climb much, which I know isn’t helping. The more I can’t climb, the more I stress about it. Like a never ending cycle until one day I can just snap myself out of it. Every night I go to bed with the hopes that the next day will be better, that I will be better. I have a list of goals and things I want to accomplish and I set any positive vibes I have towards them. The next day comes, and sometimes I complete them and sometimes I can’t get anything done. It just depends on my mood that day and I try not to judge myself for it. But as long as I go to bed with that state of mind thinking tomorrow can be better, then that’s making progress.
BUT ANYWAY… Related to the appreciation of this flat but beautiful state, I’ve decided to stay here till I’m ready to start my trip which is still planned for march/april 2017. Those of you that have been around since the beginning stages know I was planning on moving to Colorado in August so I could start my trip from there and spend some time enjoying the area. As hard of a decision as this was, when the time came I realized it made more sense to stay located here. I had already found people to connect with and a place to live in Fort Collins, but financially speaking I’m saving more money here than I would be living there. Right now my focus is to save as much as I can. I’ve been working hard, almost 7 days every week; have a Gofundme, and an online shop with supporting merch. My efforts haven’t gone unnoticed.
You may be wondering how this affects my trip, luckily not that much. Originally it was supposed to start in Colorado and go counter clockwise around the country. Now it will start in the north eastern region and go clockwise. I’m still figuring it out but it actually might work better this way. While I’m kind of sad I don’t get that extra 6 months enjoying the mountains in Colorado, I’d much rather have more money to extend my trip and make the financial stress easier. Things are panning out nicely. 🙂