I’m beginning to realize how much work having this website actually is. (eeek) It seems my mood has shifted a little since starting it so writing has been more of a task instead of an enjoyment. Going through the phases and mood swings of my bipolar really makes writing come a lot easier. The emotional intensity is so high you don’t really have to do much digging to think about what you want to say. When I’m normal I just don’t have much inspiration.
In my recent posts I’ve addressed my current non medicated state and how it’s been a few months of no activity or shift in moods. It’s been pretty stable, something I’m really grateful for. I’ve also mentioned how it usually takes those few months for anything noticeable to happen. Whether it’s just a natural change or it’s because of the meds being detoxed out of my body is debatable. I really think it varies from person to person how soon they feel the effects of their disorder after they stop medication. This goes for starting them as well.
It seems in the last few days I’ve been very low. My motivation is low making it a struggle to really do anything during the day. Getting out of bed isn’t a problem; it’s just the moving part that’s hard. Like my body weighs a thousand pounds. I’ve been extra irritable lately making my relationships with people a little rocky. I know they walk on egg shells around me. I can see it, sense it, and I’m truly sorry. But I have to remind myself that I can’t worry too much about how it affects them sometimes. What people don’t understand is that the harm bipolar people do is mostly towards themselves. No matter what rage or freak out you may get from me, I guarantee I’m doing the same thing to myself inside my head a thousand times worse. Short and simple: We do more harm to ourselves than others.
When it comes to my dealing with my emotions, if they get to intense I will usually go about my day and just be very quiet. I know my face says something is wrong because my friends and family ask what “what’s wrong?” or “are you okay” like multiple times in a day. Sometimes I say yes, sometimes it’s a no, sometimes I’ll outright just say “stop asking or it will get worse”. It depends on how comfortable I am or how I’m feeling at the moment. You’d be surprised how serious I can get in a matter of a minute. It’s much easier to say “yeah I’m fine” and go about my day. Even if I know they know I’m lying. After almost 25 years it gets pretty annoying trying to fake it.
I’ve been very scatter brained and distracted, but not by anything specific. It’s just been hard to focus on anything. My ADHD likes to act up at times too. Something that’s very common in bipolar people. My inability to focus may also have something to do with not having school at the current moment. It is kind of driving me crazy having so much free time. Something people wish for. But I’m used to moving and doing something all the time, so having this extra time to relax really just gives my brain more time to wander.
Things haven’t gotten too out of hand yet. I’m to the point where I know something is off and I can still change it before it gets too deep. I experience more phases of hippomanic than I do depression. I personally know my body well enough to know what I’m doing that affects it and what I can do to change it. Something I normally don’t announce to the public is my drinking/smoking habits. Yes, anyone dealing with a mental illness or on medication should not consume any drugs or alcohol. I’m a hypocrite when it comes to this topic because I 100% agree and know the benefits a sober mind has on anyone not just the mental ill. But when it comes to me I enjoy occasionally drinking or smoking and the temporary relief it gives me. Note, I say “temporary”. Substance abuse is a big problem in the bipolar community. Most people don’t realize they’re even bipolar because they’ve already been self medicating long enough to not notice. I know that drinking is an upper to me, so if I’m in a manic phase it’s a bad idea. And when I’m in a low state like now, smoking is something I shouldn’t do because it can bring me wayyy down. So right now recognizing what my current state is, I know that if I continue to smoke it could prolong my low state and turn it into a depressive episode. And if I drink it could lift me into what I’d hope to be a hypomanic state. Substances are so touchy when it comes to staying sane. I usually just drop every substance once I feel a shift in my moods. At that (this) point I just want a clear mind to figure out what my next move should be. Hypomanic phases I can handle pretty well. Depression not so much. It’s on that sweet cusp right now, so we will see. One thing being bipolar has taught me: there is never a dull moment.
“The loneliness slows you down, makes you want to stay in the moment like it never would end. Because what’s to come may never be better and the things you feel may never go away. But in that moment you can feel everything around you for exactly what it is.”